


Pastels at Night

by Garecc



Series: Of Immortals [16]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, The Trials of Apollo - Rick Riordan
Genre: Apollo's Legendary Temper, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Family, Gen, Hermes is okay ish now, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Mind Rape, Misplaced Guilt, Past Mind Rape, Protective Siblings, Recovery, Sibling Love, The Comfort Part Of The Series Starts Here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-09-30 21:01:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17231132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garecc/pseuds/Garecc
Summary: Takes place post Blank Walls and Splashes of color. Will not make much sense if you have not read those.After the events of Splashes of Color, Hermes is taken to camp Jupiter, Where he summons sunglasses (a terrible idea) and finally gets a hug. Where he deals with the trauma of being held by the emperors for months. Basically, a lot of Hermes getting hugs.Follows the events that take place after the previous two installations of this series. The comfort part of hurt/comfort.





	1. Car rides and tears

**Author's Note:**

> Welp I'm going to tear out your hearts

As the car drive stretched on, the pounding just behind Hermes's eyes only got worse.   
The unending feeling of absolute weakness got  _ worse _ .   
_ Thoughts  _ and  _ prayers  _ could only sustain  **Him** for so long.   
His head rested on Apollo's shoulder. 

He was curled up against Apollo, his  _ brother _ , so close he could feel Apollo's steady heartbeat.   
And he felt safe.

That was a big plus.   
Apollo rubbed slow circles in his back. They had been quiet ever since Hermes's tears seemed to dry.    
There was a girl in the passenger seat, and they were being driven by someone's face he couldn't see.   
But he didn't care.

He couldn’t bring himself to care. He was too  _ tired. _   
All he cared was that  **Apollo** saved him.

That's all he  _ could _ care about.

If he cared too much about anything else, say the state his domains must be in, or George and Martha,  _ anything  _ really. He knew the anxiety would make him sick. 

So he chose not to care. To focus on himself.

He was too damn  _ tired  _ to care anyway.

He just wanted to  _ sleep  _ and he just wanted  **Apollo** .   
His  _ family  _ saved him. He could hardly believe it. He could hardly  _ comprehend _ it. 

His  _ brother _ saved him.

He was  _ so sure.  _ So sure they had forsaken him. That his family wasn't coming.

After 4,284 years they finally gave up on him. He had accepted the inevitable. 

He was so  _ certain of it.  _

Yet he had been wrong.

Because Apollo came, proving his fears wrong and proving he was loved.

Even mortal. Even weak.  _ He came.  _ He came  _ when no one else did. _

Even though it posed him a danger, even though he could have died,  _ he came and he rescued him. _

He cared. Hermes  _ knew  _ he did. After all, why would he be hugging him, holding him if he didn't care?

_ He cared. _

**Apollo** cared. 

**Apollo** loved him. 

**Apollo** was here and  _ holding him and comforting him and Hermes felt safe. _

Even so, Hermes was  _ hungry _ .  _ Starving _ .  _ Famished _ . 

With every passing moment, he grew more and more aware of this. 

But he didn't  _ want _ to move, though. He didn't want to break the silence. He didn't want to pull away from Apollo. He most certainly didn't want to lose this feeling of absolute  _ safety. _   
But the alarm bells in his head were beginning to ring again. Even louder than before now that he was aware of what was happening. 

They were telling him to eat. Screaming at him that he had to eat something. _Anything_ _at all_.

Hermes knew from experience mortal food only made things worse. Mortal food wasn't enough to sustain a deity for more than a moment. 

Less than a moment, really. It just made you more aware of how much energy you  _ needed.  _ Unless you had enough nectar and ambrosia to sustain you, mortal food would only make you hungrier.   
Hermes  _ needed  _ energy.    
He needed  _ food _ .

But he was content on pushing that back. Postponing that need until later when he  _ had  _ to move.   
But then?   
His stomach growled.   
Of everything that could have happened, his stomach growled.   
  
He heard Apollo swear quietly under his breath, he wasn't sure what language but it wasn't English or Divine. 

Hermes felt like he was about to start crying. He didn't want to move. He just wanted to stay  _ right here  _ and not move because  _ here is safe.  _   
"Meg, do you have any nectar left? Ambrosia squares?" Apollo asked the girl in the passenger seat.   
"Yeah."    
_ Meg _ . Hermes took note. _ So her name is Meg.  _

He pressed his face into Apollo’s shoulder, as if ignoring the problem would make it go away.

Meg rooted around in her bag for a moment, before triumphantly pulling out a rather squashed ziplock baggie.    
She tossed it over, Apollo tried and failed to snatch it from the air.    
He picked it off the car floor.   
"Hermes, care to reposition yourself so your face isn't squashed into my shoulder and you can eat?"   
_ He didn't want to. _

But the screaming alarms in his brain were telling him to eat, and he knew he had to move eventually. So Hermes slowly rolled over, settling with his back against Apollo's chest. 

It wasn't as safe like this. 

Apollo sort of awkwardly handed him the baggie. He didn't seem to know what to do with his arms, and after a moment's deliberation, just wrapped them around Hermes. 

Hermes didn't mind. It was  _ safer _ with his arms around him.   
Hermes fumbled with the ambrosia baggie, eyeing the contents suspiciously. It was some of the most unappetizing looking ambrosia he had ever seen. But his mouth watered just by looking at it.   
He struggled to open it, but succeeded after a long awkward moment.    
He took a bite and hardly chewed before it melted into pure energy inside his mouth.   
He felt the power circulate through his limbs. A feeling he hadn't felt  _ in so long.  _ He shoved the entire bar into his mouth on pure instinct. Practically inhaling it.   
The energy settled deep into his bones. A comforting blanket of normalcy settling onto him.    
The alarms in his head stopped ringing as angrily. With slightly trembling fingers he gathered the crumbs from the bottom of the bag and shoved them into his mouth.   
He was  _ sure  _ he looked pathetic. But he  _ needed  _ to eat.

He  _ needed _ every scrap of energy in the bag.   
The ambrosia had settled his body. He could think a bit clearer.   
"That's all I have," Meg said. “Sorry.”   
Apollo nodded. "It's alright." His voice sounded pained. He  _ knew  _ Hermes needed more, but that's all they had here.    
Hermes tore open the bag. Eating the last few crumbs.

When he was sure there was nothing left in the bag, he set it down.   
He felt exhausted.   
Drained and exhausted.   
And  _ safe _ .   
He felt  _ safe _ .

Not as safe as earlier, but still safe.   
The hum on the engine was less painful in his ears.   
The deep aching in his shoulders had faded drastically, along with the pain in his head.   
He no longer felt like he could slip into nonexistence as if at any moment.   
He closed his eyes for a long moment. Trying to somehow clear his head. 

He rolled over so his face was once again pressed into Apollo's shoulder.    
He shut his eyes. Feeling lethargic.

Apollo wrapped his arms around Hermes again. 

_ Safe. _   
"Are you alright?" Apollo asked, more than a hint of worry creeping into his voice.   
"..yeah" Hermes mumbled.    
"Sleepy?" Apollo voice adopted a teasing tone. "You haven't been  _ sleepy  _ since you were a child." 

He was right. The last time he has been actually sleepy had been eons ago.

Hermes didn't catch how Apollo's face went blank as the memory he was chasing ended abruptly.   
Hermes didn't bother entertaining him with a response. Electing to just be quiet.   
"If you’re tired, try and get some rest. I'll be here. I'll wake you up when we get to camp."   
Hermes somehow snuggled closer to Apollo, intent on just trying to sleep.

 

~0~

  
Hermes didn't sleep. But he did try. Apollo played with his hair as they drove. Petting his head. 

It was comforting. 

So comforting. A familiar gesture going back eons. 

He felt safe.  _ He felt so safe with Apollo _ .   
He just focused on that feeling. That blissful feeling of  _ safe _ .   
It felt so foreign. So odd. But so  _ right _ . He savored it. Committing it to memory lest this was a sick dream caused by being on the edge of fading.

He feared that at any moment he would blink and he would be back staring at those  _ blank walls _ .   
The movement of the car was consistent. Grounding even. Everything felt too foreign, yet familiar.    
He was aware of bits of  **Himself** elsewhere. But he didn't dwell on it.

Why would he dwell on  _ that _ when he could marvel in the feeling of being held?    
He felt safe. So safe.   
He felt safe.   
The car stopped.    
He didn't mind.   
Apollo stopped playing with his hair, a disappointment but not entirely unexpected.   
Hermes made a discontent sound, almost a whine. Apollo laughed softly, resuming playing with his hair.    
Hermes didn't quite understand why he did so, but he didn't mind. He would never mind.   
Hermes felt safer than he had in months.   
Years.   
Decades even.   
Hermes felt somewhere between sleep and awake. A sort of trance maybe. He didn't know. He was just relaxed. Enjoying every moment of affection. Every moment of comfort. Every moment of safety.    
Enjoying the kindness and comfort of  **Apollo** .

And he was  _ tired.  _

“Hey sleepy, time to get out. Can you walk?”

Hermes pulled himself from the trance.

“Probably.” He muttered. Talking still felt strange. Having someone that would listen even stranger.

Neither moved.

“Well, as you’re laying on me, you need to get up first.”

_ Oh. _

_ Right. _

“Sorry..” Hermes mumbled, sitting up and stepping out of the car. 

It was  _ too bright _ . Hermes snapped his eyes closed. 

“Herms?”

“To bright.” He managed, he was already feeling a bit faint.

He just wanted to  _ sleep. _

“Oh.  _ Oh.  _ Shit okay. Sunglasses. Does anyone have sunglasses? Meg?”   
“No”

“Damn. Okay, Hermes, do you trust me not to walk you into anything?”

“Yes?” 

“Okay, do you need to lean on me?”

_ Yes.  _ “No.” 

He could  _ hear  _ people. Could feel the presence of demigods and some of his children, well, rather Mercury's but he didn't really care enough to bother the difference right then. When the camps united, he stabilized into a single deity again.

They started walking.

He tried to open his eyes again after a moment, but it was  _ far too bright.  _

Pathetic.

He’s pathetic.

This was so  _ pathetic. _

Lightheadedness crept up on him. He was  _ so tired _ . He wanted to sleep.

Then an idea struck him.

...He could just  _ summon  _ sunglasses.

He could  _ do that now _ .

He held out a hand, and  _ focused. _

“Hermes!” Apollo cut in, Hermes heard the almost frantic desperation in his voice. “Do  _ not  _ do whatever you are about to do.”

Sunglasses popped into existence in his hand, and the world tipped sideways. Dizziness slammed into him. 

He  _ almost _ fell. But he didn't. He kept his balance.

_ He was okay. _

“Hermes?”

“ _ I'm okay, _ ” he mumbled, trying keep his words from slurring.

He was just  _ so tired. _

Hermes shakily put the sunglasses on. He opened his eyes. He could see now. The glasses dimmed everything just enough so that he could see comfortably.

“You’re shaking,” Apollo commented, worry creeping into his voice.

“I’m fine!” Hermes snapped. Pain shot through his temples.  _ Too loud. _

He  _ wasn't fine. _

He tried to take a step forward but stumbled, and then he was falling.  Apollo caught him.

“ _ Fates.  _ Hermes  _ why?” _

Hermes shrugged. He wordlessly put his arm around Apollo’s shoulders. Pulling himself up. 

“You of  _ all gods  _ should know better than to summon things when you’re exhausted.”

“I can see now.” Hermes mumbled. “You don't need to worry.”

“..Yes, you can,” Apollo said slowly. “But was it worth it?”

“Yes,” Hermes said. “It was.”  _ It wasn't.  _

Apollo rolled his eyes. “Okay. Let's just get inside so you can sleep. I’ll track down some nectar..”

Hermes felt like his ichor froze. He made a  _ pathetic whimpering sound  _ that made him want to rip out his vocal cords.

“Hermes?”

“Don't leave.” He hated how his voice shook. He hated how the thought of Apollo leaving made him feel sick and  _ terrified. _

The idea of being alone hadn't occurred to him. The idea of Apollo leaving him made his lungs freeze up.

_ He did not want to be alone. _

“ _ Oh.  _ Hermes okay, I won’t leave. I  _ promise  _ I won't leave. I’ll stay with you as long as you need. I promise.”

Hermes nodded shakily. 

He was so exhausted.

 

~0~

 

“Lay down.” Apollo pointed towards a bed. “You need to rest.” 

Hermes collapsed onto the bed. Face first. His head collided with a pillow.

Apollo snorted. “I missed you.” There was such fondness in his voice it made Hermes smile into the bed.

But that was replaced by a dull coldness as he tried to think of a response.

What was he supposed to say to that?

_ ‘I was terrifyingly alone for the past few months and I never thought I would see you again and I thought you hated me so I didn't really miss you as I did cry a lot and fear fading’ _ ? No that would not be a good thing to say.

“...I..” He tried to think of a response but his voice died in his throat. His throat tightened and he choked on a sob. 

Tears filled his eyes and suddenly everything was  _ so much  _ and he was  _ free  _ he was  _ out  _ and  **_Apollo_ ** _ saved him and he was free. _

He felt the bed dip next to him. Apollo put a hand on his back. 

He  _ was free. He _ was  _ okay.  _ He  _ wasn't going to fade.  _ He wiped at his eyes. 

He was  _ so tired.  _

Everything seemed like a blur. A blur of hunger and hopelessness and fear and it felt so far away. 

He knew it happened. But it didn't feel real.  _ Nothing _ felt real.

Was it better that way?

He didn't  _ want _ to remember it. He didn't want to think about the days he spent screaming and screaming for someone  _ anyone  _ to help him. The days he spent struggling against his chains but the more he struggled the tighter they got. When Ichor dripped down his arms and tears down his face as he cried and cried and how he pleaded and pleaded for them to let him go.

But  **Apollo** _ came. _

It was over now.

Apollo came and saved him.

_ He wasn't going to fade. _

Hermes couldn't hold back the tears any longer.

He started crying.

Broken ugly sobs that startled Apollo with their suddenness. 

“Hermes..” Apollo's voice was soft and almost dripped concern. 

Hermes felt the bed shift as Apollo laid down next to him.

Hermes rolled to face him, everything blurry from the tears in his eyes.

Apollo put a hand on his shoulder. “You want a hug?”

He nodded. 

He felt pathetic, crying like this.

He cried.

Hermes cried.

Apollo pulled him into a hug.

He buried his head into Apollo’s chest and just  _ sobbed. _

Apollo’s arms held him close. Apollo felt like a barrier between  **Him** and everything else. 

Hermes couldn't control his tears if he wanted to. There was nothing he could do but cry. 

But weep and sob and shake as he realized,  _ yeah _ , all of that  _ happene _ d but it's over and he's  _ safe. _

Slowly, Hermes’s sobs died off into just silent crying. And finally, he stopped all but the occasional sniffle.

Apollo didn't let him go. He just held him. Hugged him.

He didn't want Apollo to let go. He just wanted to stay curled up against Apollo for all of eternity.

Hermes felt  _ so tired. _

Absolutely exhausted.

He was safe.

He knew he was.

Apollo started playing with his hair, as he had been earlier.

Hermes was okay. He was alright.

He was  _ free. _

Yet he couldn't sleep. His mind was too active. His body too aware.

But he was so tired and he had no will to move.

It was only when Apollo starting humming an ancient lullaby did he begin to start drifting off. 

Memories of better times replacing the fear-filled thoughts of the present. 

Hermes fell asleep.

Hermes fell asleep  _ safe. _

Hermes fell asleep  _ free. _

He fell asleep with Apollo holding him.

He fell asleep loved.

 


	2. Nights Without Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, Hermes wakes up in the middle of the night, gets anxious, and Apollo hugs him.
> 
> That's all this is.

Hermes woke up, lingering tendrils of a maybe-dream on the edge of his consciousness.

Even as he had just woke up, weariness resided deep in his bones.

He was comfy. Warm.

He felt _safe_.

Yet he didn't know where he was.

It felt like the answer lingered somewhere in him, but he was so full of holes he didn't want to think.

There was someone laying next to him. Not even next to him. Directly against him. 

Someone holding him, hugging him.

It was nice. 

_Safe_.

It felt nice to be held. 

Time seemed to blur forward. No internal clock keeping track of things.

Time didn't exist.

There was only Hermes and whoever was holding him.

Then he sensed it was Apollo.

And memories crashed into him.

And then there was panic and anxiety and he just wanted to curl against Apollo because Apollo is safe and he's always always been there and Apollo won't let him go back there. He won't let them capture him again.

He won't let them hurt him again.

Hermes pressed his head into Apollo's chest as he repeated a single thought in his mind.

_It's over._

He latched onto that. That fact. The knowing that it was over and he was more or less alright.

Torn and shredded but alright.

He took a shuddering breath.

He wondered if his body was shaking as much as his mind was.

_It's over._

He felt Apollo stir, and the arms around him pulled him closer. "Shhh.. go back to sleep Herms. I've got you."

Hermes tried to relax, but he couldn't. 

Apollo sighed. Fear struck through his heart.

_Was he going to leave?_

One of Apollo's arms retracted from around him and Hermes nearly started crying.

_Was he going to push him away? Refuse to touch him?_

Then Apollo began petting his hair. Hermes felt the tension break and he made a pathetic whimpering sound. Almost a sob. 

"Shhh... No one will hurt you."

He leaned into Apollo, almost hiding in his arms.

Between the comforting words and the warmth of Apollo and Apollo playing with his hair he felt himself drifting back to sleep.

"There we are.." He heard Apollo mumble. "Relax, you're safe."

With those words, he felt himself sink back into sleep.


	3. Bits and Pieces of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Apollo learns what was done to Hermes for the past few months, and Hermes opens up about his fear that no one actually loves hi

“They did _what_ to you?” Apollo seethed.

Hermes flinched. “...they carved-”

“No. No I heard the first time. Just. _Holy shit that's so disgusting.”_

Apollo was pacing. Fidgeting with his ukulele, tuning it at record speeds.

Murderous anger _poured_ off him.

“Apollo Its-”

“No don't you fucking say it's okay because that is most definitely _not okay_ what they did _is so incredibly fucked up_ and _no-fucking-body_ would be fine.”

Hermes curled his arms around himself defensively.

He didn't want to fight.

“I'm going to _kill them._ ” He declared. “I will _snap their necks_. _No_ _one_ does _this shit_ to _my_ little brother. _Ever._ ”

“Please don't…” Hermes started.

“Don't _what?_ _Kill them?_ Because I _fucking will._ No one. **No one** does this _shit_ to _my_ brother. No one fucking _tears apart my kid brother’s essence_.”

Hermes somehow made himself smaller. Apollo's hoodie was already big on him, but he seemed to retreat into it even more. His arms were reflexively wrapped around himself. Almost like he was trying to physically hold himself together.

“..yell.” Hermes murmured, his voice almost inaudible.

Apollo froze, a million emotions passed through his face but he landed on shame. “Of course..”

Hermes flinched at the tone he used. Hermes hadn't meant to upset him.

“I need to take a walk.” He turned towards the exit. “Meg. Stay with him.”

Hermes opened his mouth to protest, but Apollo had already stormed out.

Hermes curled into his arms fully, retreating into a ball on the couch he was sitting on.

 _He left_.

_He's gone._

_What if he never comes back?_

Meg could see the obvious quivering in his shoulders.

 

Meanwhile, Apollo was walking. Fists clenched and blood boiling.

 _How dare they. How fucking dare they_.

Tearing apart someone essence is disgusting. Absolutely _disgusting_.

Absolutely _vile._

Going through everything a deity _is_ and _defiling_ them _is sick._

Apollo knew he couldn't be around Hermes without distressing him further.

What they did to him was _absolutely sick_.

 _Violating_ and _sick._

He needed to punch _something_.

A wall would only break his hand. And he _couldn't_ deal with that right now.

He idly wondered where the Romans had punching bags.

He beat Ares as boxing in the first Olympics. He was a talented boxer.

He doubted he could go through a conversation without screaming, so he didn't ask anyone.

He just kept walking.

 _Disgusting_.

It was _disgusting_ what they did to him. Absolutely _foul._

But it explained things.

It explained why he was so weak. Why he appeared so young.

It explained everything.

And it _hurt_.

It _hurt_ to know that Hermes, his little brother, went through that.

It hurt to know there are _bits of_ **_Him_ ** still under their control.

It hurt to know that by him not making the connection and realising Hermes was captured he _had his essence violated._

It hurt to know that.

But it also made him _angry._

It made him want to kill everyone who ever had anything to do with his brother’s imprisonment.

 _It was so disgusting_.

Something snapped in him and he turned to the nearest wall and punched it. Throwing as much of his anger into the punch as he could.

It was so sudden that a nearby camper jumped.

The shock jarred his arm and he felt the force radiate down his arm, but nothing broke.

His shoulders were heaving.

_How dare they hurt his brother like that._

It didn't help. If anything punching the wall made him angrier.

_No one fucking touches his family._

He wondered how badly he scared Hermes.

He started his way back.

He hoped Hermes was okay.

_How could he be? They essentially mind raped him._

He couldn't go back yet. He was still too pissed.

He would never forgive himself if he freaked Hermes out with his anger.

He had to burn off some steam.

He wasn't in the mood for poetry or singing.

He couldn't compose this emotion into a song and let it loose to the world.

That left archery or boxing. And he didn't want to deal with the looks he would get with archery, he would kill someone if they even _looked_ at him right now.

He went to find the boxing area.

 

~0~

 

It took about a half hour for Apollo to feel calm enough to contemplate going back.

He hadn't thrown punches like that in months. And it was humiliating at first, realizing he forgot how to start.

But everything came back as he started throwing punches. He acted more on muscle memory than thoughts.

Being able to zone out and just take out his anger in the punching bag helped. He didn't have to think. The punching bag didn't fight back.

Imagining the people who hurt Hermes behind his fists was therapeutic in a way.

Where the anger had been molten hot, now was ice cold.

Cold persistent anger.

A lust for revenge.

One might even call it _hate._

Instead of boiling his blood it froze his heart to any sort of compassion he may have had towards those who hurt his baby brother.

To those who _tore out pieces of him bit by bit._

Who kept him locked in a room, alone and _terrified_ for months.

 _Who violated_ **_Him._ **

He wanted them dead. To see them burn.

But his anger had iced over.

He was no longer propelled by rage.

He had it under check, and for now he could put it aside.

Now, he had to make sure Hermes was alright.

Now, he had to go hug his brother.

 

~0~

 

Hermes was certainly _not_ alright. He hadn't moved since Apollo stormed out and Meg didn't know what to do.

Apollo said to stay with him, so she did.

Not long after Apollo left he started crying.

Silently, but Meg could tell.

She didn't know what to say to help him. She didn't know how to help.

She didn't know Hermes.

All she knew was he was Apollo's little brother. And from the conversation earlier, they had ripped out pieces of his essence.

From Apollo's reaction to what happened to him, she could only figure it was serious.

She understood why he left. His anger was distressing Hermes, and he had to blow off steam before he came back.

She could figure Hermes was sensitive to loud noises and bright lights.

But that put Meg in the situation of being the only one available to comfort him.

And she had no idea how.

She tried to comfort him.

But it didn't work.

If anything it made matters worse.

She didn't know what to do or now to help. Apollo always hugged and held him, but she wasn't comfortable doing that.

So Meg just tried talking to him.

And it didn't help.

He did look younger than Apollo.

She had figured that Apollo was forced to look 17. But as Hermes looked younger she began to question that.

Every few moments she would glance at the door, hoping Apollo would miraculously appear.

She was beginning to seriously debate going to find him when he came back.

 

~0~

 

Apollo froze when he saw Hermes, a pained, guilty expression passing over his face.

_Why did he think it would be okay for him to leave?_

Hermes had needed him. And he left.

 _He left while Hermes needed him_.

Hermes's entire posture screamed fear.

He had his head in his arms.

He was quivering.

Apollo walked over, well, more like sprinted over. He sat down next to him, hand outstretched a bit.

He wasn't sure if Hermes would accept him just pulling him into a hug.

Hermes looked up a bit. Eyes watering when he saw Apollo. He tried to discreetly wipe at his eyes, but it was painfully obvious.

He tried to look emotionless. But failed miserably.

Apollo opened up his arms, inviting him into a hug.

It was Hermes's choice.

Hermes all but fell into his arms. He seemed to almost melt into Apollo, burying his head in the crook of his arm and just laying there.

Apollo had a million questions. Could Hermes recall the pieces of **Him**? Or were they contained somehow. Could he feel them? Could he locate them?

But Apollo didn't ask.

Now was not the time.

Now was the time to hold him and offer comfort and love.

Asking questions wouldn't help anything, but offering love could make him feel better. And that's all Apollo really cared about.

Apollo felt tears soak into his shoulder. He could feel Hermes trembling.

Apollo squished him against his chest.

Hermes wrapped his arms around Apollo and burrowed his head deeper into Apollo's shoulder.

Apollo didn't know what to do other than hold him.

Hermes had always been one for cuddling. Always been one best comforted by actions rather than words. He was most comfortable cuddling against someone. Felt safest being held.

And who was Apollo to deny him that?

Apollo rubbed slow circles on his back, and just held him.

That was all he could do. He couldn't erase the suffering from his mind, and he could hardly ease the feeling of being in multiple places.

So he just held Hermes, held his brother as he cried.

 

~0~

 

Hermes was doing better than he had been a few days ago. His wrists were beginning to heal some under the bandages, and he was able to walk in sunlight without his sunglasses.

Regularly eating helped, Apollo would have prefered him eating all he needed in one sitting, let his body take as much energy as he needed to repair and store the rest, but Hermes complained that eating more than a typical mortals meal heightened his senses and he couldn't deal with it.

So Apollo let him space it out over days. Slowly build up a supply of energy he would use to recall his essence when he had enough.

Hermes switched between sleeping an alarming amount, and not being able to even close his eyes without feeling scared. When he did sleep, his consistent nightmares kept Apollo with him in case he woke up and needed him.

Hermes didn't talk about his imprisonment. He tried a few times with Apollo. Emphasis on tried. He attempted to explain what was done to him, but his voice would climb down his throat and he wouldn't be able to speak. The most he managed was the fact that it was _cold_ and _invasive_.

And then he would start crying, full sobs that ended with him clinging to Apollo until he could stop thinking about it.

So Apollo suggested him writing down what happened. That if he couldn't speak, maybe he could write.

 

Hermes was nervous. Nervous and anxious and he felt like there were bees buzzing around in his lungs.

The divine alphabet is different from any mortal one.

The letters more archaic than anything known to mortals.

And deities rarely wrote in it.

He put his own to the paper, wondering if this was the first time Divine was written in a spiral notebook with a ballpoint pen.

He decidedly _couldn't_ write it in any mortal language. No mortal language had the words he needed.

Apollo sitting next to him, he started writing.

After a few minutes, he broke off, hand trembling too hard to properly make the loops and slashes of divine. He took a few deep breaths, and buried his head into his hands. He shrugged off Apollo’s tentative hand on his shoulder and continued writing.

 

 

Hermes dropped the pen, it clattered against the table. Sounding almost too loud for such a little object. He shoved the notebook at Apollo, who took it out of impulse, before he curled into his arms.

Apollo set down the notebook, and wordlessly pulled Hermes into a hug.

Hermes just sat there in his arms. Not quite shaking, but certainly not staying still. Then almost forced himself to relax. Slumping against Apollo as a tremor shook through him.

But he didn’t cry, he teared up a bit but he didn’t cry.

After a few minutes, and after Apollo was fairly certain Hermes wouldn't start hyperventilating, he pulled away.

“Do you want me to read it with you or in a separate room?”

“Stay.” He mumbled.

“Of course. Now, or in a bit?”

“..now.”

“Alright then.” Apollo picked up the notebook. Hermes shifted uncomfortably, averting his eyes from the note as Apollo’s eyes skimmed over the letters.

 

 _It was cold. Colder than Boreas's winds or ice. Colder than liquid nitrogen or dry ice. It would almost crawl in through the sores on my wrists from the cuffs. I could feel it. It wasn't solid nor liquid. Physical nor Aphysical. It wasn't_ ** _Me_** _. You know how Essence is always the same? Solid but flowy? How it is_ ** _You_** _on the most basic level? It slipped_ _between_ **_Me_** _. It felt wrong. Not even wrong. Wrong makes it sounds like some bit of it was right. Partially incorrect. It was the opposite of right. Wronger than wrong. It was foreign and wrong and disgusting. Shameful even. And I could feel it moving. Squirming. Parting and swimming through_ ** _Me_** _. I could feel where it was. I can feel where it tainted still. I hate it. So much. I'm terrified it's still_ _in me_ _Apollo. It was_ so cold _. I could feel it spread and move and stretch and squirm. I could feel its every move inside_ ** _Me_** _. It was like it was examining me. Every time. Looking through_ ** _Me_** _like it was selecting the perfect part to take. Looking at_ ** _Me_** _like one looks at art or models. Or a specimen in a lab. I could feel it poking at_ ** _Me_** _until it found a part it liked. By now I would be sick. Nauseous and sick. And then it began solidifying. Breaking off a piece of_ ** _Me_** _and solidifying around_ ** _It_** _. And then it would_ _Pull_ _and it would hurt. Everything would be agony and then it would leave and a piece of_ ** _Me_** _would be gone. I can feel the holes_ ** _Apollo_** _._ ** _I_** _can feel them. I feel so_ wrong _and I feel the holes. I would be shaking and retching by the end. I can feel the holes. There are pieces of_ ** _Me_** _that are gone. You know when you separate_ ** _Yourself_** _and it feels cold along the edge? That but_ everywhere _._  
  


Apollo glanced at Hermes, who was avoiding  looking anywhere near him. His eyes were glued somewhere outside through the window. Apollo reached over and squeezed his hand. “It sounds terrible, what they did to you.”

“It was.” Hermes choked out.

“I’m certain of it.” Apollo squeezed his hand again. “I’m certain that it was terrifying, and it hurt, and I'm certain you didn't deserve _any_ of it.”

Hermes turned and rested his head against Apollo’s shoulder, still avoiding looking at him.

“This isn't some fates-delt punishment for what happened with May.”

Hermes made a sound that you couldn't call a whine nor a whimper. Somewhere between yet remaining neither.

“It wasn’t your fault what happened to her. If anything it’s mine for allowing her to try.”

Hermes remained silent.

“I mean it! You were never to blame for what happened to her.”

“...Thank you.”

“What for?”

“Being here. Not leaving. Reassuring me. Just.. I don't know. Caring about _me._ That's more than so much of our family has ever done.”

Apollo sighed, yet a faint smile ghosted his lips. ”I love you, Hermes. So much. That's why I'm doing this. Because I _love_ you. Because you are my little brother and I have loved you since the moment you approached me on Olympus. I have loved you for eons. I haven't reminded you much in recent years, but just _know_ that I love you.”

“..But.. Nevermind it’s dumb”

“It's probably not.”

“I know you love me. And.. That’s _always_ been a comfort. At least. I’m fairly certain you love me.”

“I do.”

“It's just that.. Fates its _so_ dumb.”

“Say it.”

“...A lot of the time I feel like I’m not.. In your family.”

“Hermes!” Apollo sounded almost aghast.

“Don't deny it yet I’m not _done_ and _it's true._ ”

“Hermes..”

“..It’s just.. God it’s _so dumb.”_

“Herms..”

“It hurts you know? Knowing I’ll never truly be part of you and Artemis and Aunt Leto’s family.”

“You _are_!”

“It's just that I’m always an outsider with you two and Aunt Leto.”

“You _are not._ ”

Hermes bit his lip and looked away.

“Ma has _practically adopted you as a second son_ ”

“Not really.”

Apollo made an incredulous sound. “Fates Herms. How long have you been internalizing this?”

Hermes shrugged. “I’ve always known.”

“.. _Hermes._ ” Apollo choked out. “I don’t know _where you got this idea_ that you aren’t- how can you even _think that?_ You have a fatesdamn _room on Delos?_ Ma has _pretty much adopted you!_ ”

Hermes was silent.

“Hermes I am not joking when I say you are part of our family.”

“...I’m so scared that no one actually loves me. You know that right?”

“ _Hermes.”_

“I know you love me. I mean I don't _know know_ but I know you do _._ And I’m terrified you don't. I’m terrified one day you and Artemis and Aunt Leto will hate me. And I  _know_ it's dumb but.. yeah.”

“We never will. Ever. And it's not dumb.”

Hermes shrugged. “It is though.”

Apollo took a long breath and then just buried his head into his hands for a long moment. “Hermes, your feelings will never be ‘dumb.’” Apollo said slowly, then a flash of realization passed over his face. “No matter what Father says _._ Your emotions are important”

Hermes’s gaze shifted away for a moment. “..for the record. I’m.. I’m _really_ glad you are here. And.. And I’m really glad you care enough to stay with me. I would have given up on me a long while ago.. I.. Actually _did_ for a while.” His eyes widened a bit. “In that _room._ I gave up.” His voice grew a bit hysterical towards the end.

“What do you mean?” Apollo asked hesitantly.

“I _gave up._ I _let go_ . I- I accepted that I was going to _fade._ I was okay with it- I _was okay with it._ ” Tears began forming in his eyes. “I _wanted to fade- I just wanted it to be_ over _Apollo!_ I just wanted it to be over- I don’t want to fade. _I don’t want to fade!”_ His voice grew more than a little hysterical. He was picking with the bandages around his wrists. “Why did I _want that? Why did I want to fade?”_

“You won’t, Hermes. You won’t fade.” Apollo reached forward and gently pulled his hands apart. Hermes flinched back, so Apollo let go, and Hermes’s arms dropped, fingers digging into his knees. “I promise you won’t fade. Not for a thousand years. You will see your five-thousandth year, and your six-thousandth. And so on.”

“I don’t want to fade.” He whispered, holding back tears. “I _don’t._ ”

“You won’t.” Apollo’s hand hovered above his leg. “How can I help? Do you want me to get you a glass of nectar? A hug? To take a walk?”

Hermes nodded at hug so Apollo put his arms around Hermes. Hermes leaned into his arms. For a long moment the hug was stiff and awkward, then Hermes just wrapped his arms around Apollo, pressing his head into his neck. A breath shuddering from his lungs.

“I’m just so _tired_ Apollo.” He mumbled. “I just.. I want to go lay down.”

“Alright.. and you _are_ part of my family. Me and Artie’s.”

“Okay.” he didn’t sound convinced, but Apollo let it slide.

“And we love you. I love you.”

“Okay, you can stop now.”

“And for as long as western civilization exists, as long as _your_ internet exists, you won’t fade.”

“Please stop.”

“Okay, Herms.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s nothing.. It will never be _anything_ to comfort you.”

“Alright alright. I just really want to go lay down okay?”

“I’ll get you a glass of nectar-”

“Apollo, it’s _fine._ ”

“You need to eat _something_ today.”

“It’s _fine._ ”

“But it’s not, Hermes. It’s not. If you dont eat regularly you won’t build of energy, and you have almost nothing stored. I will see that you drink a glass of nectar, if you refuse I will _physically drag you there._ Doctor’s orders.”

“Screw you.” Hermes grumbled. “ _Fine._ I’ll drink some nectar. But _then_ I’m laying down.”

Apollo stood up, then offered Hermes his hand. Hermes rolled his eyes as he took it.


	4. Sickness and Hunger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically discusses how Hermes was affected by everything physically, and some hugs because I'm weak to these two dorks hugging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. I killed my writing funk with a 10,000 word fic for a fandom other than this, and so i wrote the next chapter of this! I did it. hheck yeah.

It was a simple fact that Hermes needed to eat more. It wasn't debatable, or something that could be argued. It was just a fact.

He knew this. He just didn’t exactly _want_ to eat more.

He hardly had the energy stored to sustain himself for a mere week. Even if all he did was lay down and sleep.

He thought it pathetic, and in a way, it was.

He ate just enough to get by, using all the energy he consumed. Every tiny scrap of energy consumed. Leaving nothing extra to build up, to store.

He couldn't live off New Rome forever. They had little nectar and ambrosia here, and not nearly enough to sustain a god. Even Camp Half-Blood would have issues sustaining him.

The deep, aching hunger had faded a bit. Lessened with regular meals, and contact with his domains. But it was still there. Deeper now, easier to ignore, but still gnawing away at him.

Hermes _knew_ he needed to eat. But whenever he tried to eat, he felt _sick._

Deeply sick. Sick somewhere deep inside **Him** where nothing could help. There was certainly no medicine available to treat such things in New Rome.

When he ate, the energy didn't spread right. It didn’t _flow_.

He figured that missing so much of **Him** took away pathways. He likened it to a feeling of arteries somehow getting narrower. A mere trickle of energy leaking through rather than it _flowing._

Pure energy built up around the holes in his essence. Not spreading not moving. Just.. coagulating, almost scabbing along the edges of **Him**.

So he ate the bare minimum. He _hated_ feeling sick.

Eating provided no warmth. He just felt sick.

He felt sick _constantly._ Eating just made it worse.

Never ending internal sickness.

He felt far too aware of every single hole in his essence. Of every missing piece of **Him.** Of the energy bleeding from his very being.

Whenever he ate, that disturbed the energy inside him. The balance disturbed. Churned. Making it move, making everything _saturated_ and he would feel _dizzy._

But he was _hungry._

_Starving, constantly._

But the mere idea of eating made him feel sick.

He just wanted to stop feeling sick.

But, so stop feeling sick, he’d have to collect his essence.

And to recollect his essence, he needed energy.

And to get energy, he needed to eat.

If he ate, he felt sicker.

And endlessly looping problem, something Apollo would call a catch-22.

 

~0~

 

“Hermes, are you _certain_ you’re well enough to summon nectar?”

Apollo was worried, fretful even. He was acting almost like a mother hen. Sure, he’d fretted like this for millennia, but Hermes decidedly did _not_ miss it

~~No matter how much he missed Apollo and Artemis and his home and George and Martha.~~

Sure it was nice knowing he cared but he wasn’t completely helpless.

Everything from Apollo’s posture to that concerned look in his eyes gave off Worried vibes.

Hermes hated it.

He hated being weak. He hated worrying him and he hated everything that was happening.

He hated everyone who tortured him and he hated how _tired_ and _sick_ he felt and he _hated worrying Apollo._

He hated the deep weariness. The lingering fatigue. The feeling of lost control.

~~Was this how Pan felt?~~

~~Was this how May felt as she lost her mind?~~

“You can just continue eating New Rome's nectar! You don't have to..”

“Wear myself out?”

“No! I mean, yes, I guess..”

“Demigod nectar is disgusting. And besides, the least I can do is _feed_ myself. And I can't just do this forever…”

“I know! It’s just, are you sure you’re ready?”

“ _Yes,_ Apollo.”

“I mean, if you have any doubt-”

“Apollo. It's fine.”

“Or any second thoughts-”

“You’re doing it again,” Hermes mumbled.

Apollo paused. “Doing what?” He sounded genuinely curious.

“You know, the entire thing you do every time I screw up?”

Apollo stared at him blankly.

“Worry a lot? And treat me like I don't know what I can and can't do?” Hermes explained. “Nothing? This doesn't ring any bells?”

Apollo’s blank look told him all he needed to.

“Well, anyway, not that I don't appreciate you caring, just, I know my limits, alright?”

Apollo chewed his lip, looking away for a moment. “Sorry.”

“Don't, it's fine. Really. I just need to summon nectar, it can't be _that_ hard, can it?”

“Right. You’re right. I’ll try to stop worrying so much, I just.. Don’t want you hurt is all.”

“I know.” He smiled, it felt a bit forced, but he hoped it was convincing enough.

It took a moment for Hermes to realize the emotion on Apollo’s face: Guilt.

He looked guilty.

Hermes _wanted_ to say something reassuring. Nice. Kind. Something to banish Apollo’s worry.

Instead, he spoke before he could formulate a decent response.

“Stop.”

“..?”

“Apollo, It’s _not_ your fault that I’m..” He gestured vaguely at himself. “Like this. So just.. Stop feeling guilty. Okay? _None_ of this is in any way your fault.”

“Just summon your nectar,” Apollo muttered. “And I _don’t_ blame myself.”

Hermes could easily tell he was lying, Apollo had always been a terrible liar, or so Artemis told him anyway. And he would likely always be.

Being the god of truth does that.

“Yeah. Okay.”

An awkward silence stretched between them as Hermes picked up the glass. He focused and _willed_ it to be full of nectar.

The cup filled, but slowly.

It felt like forever before the nectar reached the top.

Was his hand trembling?

A wave of vertigo crashed into him, almost making him stumble.

Apollo’s hand shot forward, steadying the glass.

Hermes squeezed his eyes shut.

He also hates double vision.

He felt.. Empty?

Dizzy.

Not sick.

Just.. Empty.

An almost fuzzy feeling clouding his head.

~~Something about it felt terrifyingly familiar.~~

“Herms?” Apollo’s voice cut through the haze.

For a startling moment, the world lost its clarity and he almost felt as though he was floating.

~~Like his consciousness was outside his body.~~

Then he gripped the glass tighter.

Like reality for a moment passed behind a curtain.

And pulled it to his lips. Drinking.

He drained the cup before he realized he had started.

_He wanted more._

The nectar left a fizzy feeling through him.

A warm feeling. Almost refreshing even.

~~A feeling he hadn’t felt since before any of this.~~

He felt energy soaking into **Him**.

Pooling and spreading.

It just… didn't sit right.

But he did feel better.

He felt.. Okay.

Surprisingly okay.

The _wrong_ feeling was sickening sure, and the still churning hunger painful.

But he felt somewhat not terrible.

“Hermes?” Apollo tried again, more than a hint of concern in his voice. In fact, there was a lot of concern in his voice. Even fear.

“I’m okay.”

“Are you.. Certain?”

“Yes?”

“You.. weren't doing great for a few moments.. Your eyes unfocused and, well. Yeah”

“Oh.”

Hermes hardly felt dizzy as the energy inside him shifted.

Hardly felt disoriented.

“I actually don't feel terrible.”

“Not sick?”

“Not.. as bad as usual no. I still feel like curling in a ball and screaming for the rest of eternity but.. I mean I don’t feel that dizzy.”

Apollo was silent for a long moment, but smiled in the end. “Good. Good. This is improvement.”

“I mean I still feel like absolute garbage and everything feels wrong and gross as usual, end energy is still weirdly unbalanced and that's ugh and distressing but its not as bad as after I normally eat?”

“What do you mean?”

“..About what?”

“Why do you think it’s not as bad?”

“Oh. Better nectar, probably.”

“Do you think you could summon a piece of **You** back?”

“Apollo, Brother, I can't even summon my caduceus.”

~~Were George and Martha okay? Were they feeding them?~~

“Oh.”

There was a long silence before Hermes spoke. “I miss them.”

“Miss who?”

“George and Martha.”

“Oh. The snakes. I do as well.”

“Apollo, I know you and snakes don't mix so-”

“No, I really do hope they are alright. For your sake more than anything.”

Hermes did _not_ expect the rush of emotions that sentence wrought.

He impulsively hugged Apollo. Moving more on instinct that will.

Without any sort of pause, Apollo hugged back.

Hermes _always_ forgets how much he enjoys hugs.

How much comfort they bring.

Hermes squeezed Apollo tighter, burying his head in his shoulder, Apollo returned by squeezing just as tight.

“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thop1 should update soon probably hopefully?


	5. Pieces of Puzzles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes summons a piece of himself back.

For the first time in months and months, Hermes felt somewhat strong.

Or well, strong isn't the best word for it. He didn't feel  _ strong _ , he just didn't feel  _ weak. _

For the first time in months, he didn’t feel weak.

He felt like he could summon a piece of  **Him** back.

**He** knew he could. Was absolutely certain of it.

He could at any moment drag a piece of  **Him** back.

He knew he could.

But he didn't.

He was tempted to do it immediately, recklessly.

But he didn't.

Because Apollo was asleep, and he didn't want to wake him.

Mortals  _ need  _ sleep, and Hermes knew he had been keeping him up.

Apollo denied it, but Hermes saw through his lie easily. Apollo had always been a terrible liar.

With Hermes’s persistent insomnia and nightmares, Apollo hadn't been getting much rest.

He wanted Apollo to be awake when he did it,  _ needed  _ him to be.

In case it's a trap.

In case he’s judging wrong.

In case it takes too much energy and he nearly fades.

In case something goes wrong.

But  _ everything inside him was screaming to summon Himself back. _

He wanted to.

He  _ needed  _ to.

But Apollo needed sleep.

Hermes waited.

Hermes waited for maybe 5 minutes before his resolve cracked.

He  _ couldn't  _ wait.

So Hermes let his eyes slip shut, and reached.

He could feel where  **He** was. Could feel the bits and scraps of him stolen and ripped away.

He forced thoughts of how he got separated away, ignoring the ghost of the  _ thing  _ he could feel inside him.

It was just a memory.

Dragging a piece of  **Him** back was… more difficult than he imagined.

Like reaching through a solid, or comprehending a full conversation when he’s consumed enough caffeine to kill several mortals.

He felt the piece of himself slot into place.

It felt right.

It felt  _ normal. _

He felt.. Okay.

He was vaguely aware of tear collecting in his eyes, he was too focused on the feeling of the hole being  _ gone. _

Of feeling somewhat  _ whole. _

Energy inside  **Him** was swirling. Changing.

_ Flowing. _

**He** melded together. Seamless. Correct.

He felt okay.

He felt okay.

A giddy, bubbly happiness filled his chest.

He felt okay.

He did it.

He had been afraid he would never be able to summon back the pieces of  **Him.**

That they would forever hold bits of him hostage.

But he did it.

He can piece himself together.

A million emotions were running through him, but all were overshadowed by brilliant and blinding happiness.

He can do it.

 

It took a few minutes before the exhaustion set in. To feel almost dizzyingly tired.

He was glad he was sitting, he certainly would have fallen over if he hadn't.

He leaned into his hands, resting his head.

He wondered if Apollo would mind if he went to sleep with him.

He knew he wouldn't, they shared a bed for the last few weeks. Sleeping alone terrified him just as much if not more than  _ being  _ alone did.

_ He felt so tired. _

 

With a minute’s hesitation, Hermes decided that no. Apollo wouldn't care, and that he should probably lay down.

 

So Hermes clambered into the bed next to Apollo, trying to not wake him.

As soon as Hermes settled next to him, Apollo blinked his eyes open, but closed then when he recognized him. “Something happen?” Apollo’s voice was slurred with sleep, but concerned nonetheless.

“Nothing, really. Go back to sleep. Just tired.”

“..you’re never ‘just tired’ Herms..”

“I’ll tell you when you wake up properly,” Hermes said, hoping Apollo would drop it for now, but when he looked up again, Apollo was already asleep again.

Hermes closed his eyes, and let himself drift off.

A bit more whole, and a bit more okay.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp there are only 2 chapters left, NEXT: Apollo gets angry at Hermes for not waking him or waiting to summon **Him** back.


	6. We Should Know By Now That Yelling Doesn't Solve Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Apollo finds out Hermes summoned that piece of himself without Apollo there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> w e l p only 834 words my apologies

Hermes nodded. He would  _ not cry. _

“I promise I wasn't lying. Swear on my title as god of truth even.”

Hermes  _ physically refused  _ to start crying.

“I love you so much, alright. Don't doubt that. Okay?”

“Okay.” And suddenly there were tears in his eyes.

He felt sad.

He felt tired.

Apollo seemed to notice the tears all at once.

“I’m… I’m really happy you got a piece of  **You** back Herms.”

Hermes felt tired. 

“...I didn't.. I'm sorry I upset you.”

“It's okay.”

He rubbed at his eyes. Desperate to change the subject. 

“I don't feel sick anymore,” He said quickly. “I still lack an appetite but uh, thats good?”

“Thats great!” Apollo said with an obviously fake smile. He was glad for the change of subject. “I mean, no longer feeling sick. Not the lack of appetite.”

“I know.”   
“You haven’t eaten today yet, have you?”

“No.”

“Can you summon nectar?”

“Probably.”

“Thats not a yes. Let's go get something.”

Hermes rolled his eyes, and held out his hand. A glass popped into existence and quickly filled itself.

For a moment, his peripheral vision went fuzzy. But he drank the nectar quickly enough that it faded in moments.

He didn't even feel dizzy.

He hated this.

But..

He didn't feel sick.

He felt fine.

Not good, or bad, or sick.

Absolutely fine.

Tired, still. But fine.

No, he wasn't even tired.

He was just.. He was tired of feeling so weak. Tired of being treated like glass. Tired of knowing how close he came to fading, and tired of being reminded of it.

He could feel the energy settle within him. It didn't get stuck or flow weirdly, it just settled.

Apollo’s worried expression pulled him from his musing. “I’m fine Apollo, really,”

“Are you certain?”

“Yes, Apollo.”

“I’m not mad, you know.”

“...You aren’t?”

“No. Just, don't do that again and we’re fine. Kid, I just, fates, you scare me sometimes. I need you to be safe. I’m not mad, scared if anything.”

Hermes didn't know what to say, so he just stayed quiet.

“I mean, I  _ was  _ mad, but I'm not anymore.”

“I did  _ try  _ to wait. But I’m not exactly known for impulse control.

Apollo smiled a bit. “No, you’re really not.”

“I know I should have waited but-”

“Hermes.. You know what? What happened happened. You don't need to explain. Just  _ tell me  _ next time. Okay? And as long you’re sure you’re okay then it's okay.”

“I am.”

“Then everything is fine, Herms.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next: Cadeuceus time! Then it's onto Painting Over Scars aka the conclusion (maybe like 5 chapters of that) and I can finally go back to focusing on thop1 sakhfdk;hfklsdfhklh
> 
> I have like, half of the next chapter drafted so it should hopefully be up by the end of next week?? maybe???


	7. Friendly Faces of the Final Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welp alot is going up today huh

There was a package neatly set on the chair.

It hadn't been there a minute before, and neither Hermes or Apollo noticed it appear.

Hermes poked it. “Wonder what it is.”

“It could be a trap, don't touch it.”

“I’m opening it.”

“ _ Hermes. _ ”

“Who’s immortal here, you or me?”

“You could get hurt though.”

“It’ll heal.”

“.. _ still. _ ”

Before Apollo could stop him, Hermes was ripping open the paper.

He stared at the fancy logo in confusion for a moment, before the it clicked in his head.

Expensive ambrosia from a bakery on Olympus.

“It's ambrosia. Not cheap stuff, like, high-quality stuff I’d actually eat.”

“Huh.”

“There’s a note?” Hermes reached for it. 

His face froze in shock. “Artemis sent it.”

“What?”

“It says: ‘With as much love as I can send to both of you —Artemis’”

Apollo stared at the note. Hermes ignored the teary look in his eyes.  “Can I have it?”

“Of course! She’s your sister-”

“Yours too.”

“Your twin.”

“..true.”

“Also, I don't need it. you do. I’ll probably see her any week now, you have months.”

“...thank you.”

“It's honestly nothing Apollo. And you should be thanking her, honestly.”

He blinked. “Nah. I haven't thanked her for something in years.”

Hermes honestly had no idea what to say to that.

“The last time I thanked her was when Ma forced me to.”

“...I’m not sure if I should be impressed or not.”

“And it was years before that.”

Hermes chose not to comment and just stared at the ambrosia. 

The best dish to compare it to would be a brownie, but even then, it was hardly even similar. 

Baked into a large and inch thick square.

For the first time in weeks, he actually felt an appetite.

He wanted to eat this.

Hermes felt like he had forgotten what actual ambrosia looked like, all he had eaten for weeks was the disgusting lemon bar looking ones.

Apollo was staring at the note with an expression Hermes couldn't read. Hermes heard him recite a prayer, well, not really heard. Felt, really. 

He hadn’t been able to feel prayers for so long.

“Apollo?”

“She said she loves me.”

“..Yeah?”

“I miss her.”

“Oh.”

“The last time I saw her was during the fight I think. I don't know. Everything is so  _ blurry. _ I hardly recall any of it.”

“You were with her on Delos.”

“I know just.. It's all fuzzy. I can hardly remember it.”

Hermes tore off a corner of the ambrosia. It was still warm. 

He mindlessly took a bite, enjoying the feeling of it melting in his mouth.

He had forgotten just how  _ good  _ ambrosia could be.

Apollo said something, but Hermes was on autopilot at that point.

It had been weeks since the  _ only  _ thing he could think about was getting energy, since the car ride really.

With every bite of ambrosia he took, he knew he was getting closer to  _ something. _

Some threshold he hadn't been aware was there until he was eating.

Apollo stopped his hand. “Slow down, I know you said you don't feel sick, but there is no being too careful. Let the energy settle.”

Hermes couldn't bother with that.

Something in  **Him** knew that if he just ate then he could do  _ something. _

He couldn't specify what exactly.

He pulled his hand away, and took another bite.

He knew he probably looked ridiculous, shoveling food in his mouth.

When he had eaten half of the square, something was different.

But he felt  _ strong. _

Something was different now.

Without thinking, he held out his hand. 

He wasn't actually sure what he was doing.

But he knew it was somewhere.

It was  _ somewhere. _

It had been too long.

He needed to find it.

It's  _ not Theirs. _

It's  **HIS** .

He found it.

It's  **_HIS_ ** _. _

**His** Caduceus.

He didn't even have to pull, really.

It just came.

There was no fight.

It's  **His** and never theirs.

_ Hermes!  _ Two voices echoed in his head and he nearly sobbed.

His Caduceus was full size. 

George and Martha curled around his arms, almost a hug.

Hermes hugged his Caduceus to his chest, and they wrapped themselves around him.

_ You’re okay!  _ Martha hissed, she sounded so happy.  _ We were so worried!  _

_ They barely fed us!  _ George sounded aghast at this.  _ They were terrible! _

_ George now is not the time!  _

Hermes laughed. He missed them  _ so much. _

“You’re both okay, right?”

He felt so many emotions. He had his caduceus back.

He was so happy.

So happy.

George and Martha remained curled around him.

_ Are  _ _ you  _ _ okay?  _ George questioned.  _ I could feel you starving! _

“I’m fine now.”

_ Are you sure? You aren't whole.  _ Martha sounded  _ very  _ concerned.

“Hermes?” Apollo looked worried.

Hermes grabbed another chunk of the ambrosia. “I’m good.”

“How much energy did you expend getting that?”

“Not anything that wasn't replaced.”

“Okay, thats good.”

_ Apollo!  _ Martha only just seemed to notice him. She unwrapped herself from around Hermes.  _ You headed our warnings! _

_ Thats more than I expected. He didn't have a single rat! _

“Oh, well.” Apollo looked uncomfortable about the snakes. “Hermes is my little brother, I couldnt exactly  _ not  _ rescue him.”

_ Says you.  _ Martha scoffed.  _ You hated him when you gave us to him. _

_ Yeah! You traded us for a LYRE! _

Apollo frowned. “You both know I love him.” 

_ You threatened to throw him in Tartarus!  _ George hissed.

“Guys stop. How many times have I told you to let it go? That was thousands of years ago”

_ So?  _ They said in unison.

Hermes just sighed. “Apollo, I uh. Need to work.”

_ Work? Really? Already? Without even feeding us? _

_ Hermes, you aren't whole you shouldn't work right now. _

“I need to at least get communications back up.”

“I agree with Martha.” Apollo said seriously.

“I mean, it might be a bit of a strain but it's nothing I can't handle. With my Caduces, I can just get communications up and Angelia can pick it up.”

“What would working do right now? Headache? Nausea? Fatigue?”

_ All of the above.  _ Martha answered for Hermes. Who looked annoyed.

“Well, you can’t do it then.”

“Apollo!”

“No, Hermes. Just because you  _ can  _ doesn't mean you  _ should. _ ”

_ I begrudgingly agree with Apollo  _ George grumbled.

“It wont be anything too abnormal.”

_ Says you.  _ George grumbled.

“Yeah, Hermes, Dear brother. Your normal is working for weeks without breaks drugged on caffeine to force yourself to think faster. You are abnormal.”

_ Very true!  _ Martha agreed.  _ Also please stop doing that Hermes. I am older than you, and you never listen. _

_ Hermes is the youngest in this room.  _ George seemed to realize

“Wow, you really are.” Apollo laughed. “And all of that isn't even mentioning how I won't let you within a hundred feet of caffeine. You don't have the energy stored to expend extra right now.”

“It's my  _ job _ ”

“And it can wait a few more weeks.”

“I don't  _ have an excuse anymore. _ ”

_ We were your excuse? _

“You might burn yourself back to the brink of fading is a fairly good one I’d think.”

Hermes took a bite of the ambrosia to avoid responding.

_ He’s right Hermes _ Martha said

“You are sick Herms. And when you are sick, you rest until you are no longer sick. Communication hasn't collapsed for the mortals. Angelia is handling things fine.”

“Apollo this is my  _ job.  _ My  _ domain. _ I  _ need  _ to.”

“Angelia can keep things running for awhile longer. Or do you not have faith in your daughter?”

“I do!”

_ Hermes I’m hungry  _ George whined

Hermes groaned and summoned a rat. George snapped it up. 

Martha looked at him expectantly, so he summoned one for her.

He ripped another piece of Ambrosia off. 

“Then trust her to keep things running.” Apollo was trying  _ very hard  _ not to watch the snakes eat.

“What if it were archery?”

“Artemis can handle it.”

“Music?”

“My muses can handle it. And tragedy and poetry etc.”

“Plague?”

_ Ugh, Plague. _

“Artemis brings it to. Asclepius can handle medicine. Honestly I'm quite replaceable.”

“You are  _ not. _ ”

_ You are not Apollo.  _ Martha insisted.

“I know. I know, But the point is, I trust Artemis and everyone to keep my domains standing. Angelia can manage, alright?”

“She shouldn't  _ have  _ to take all my work though.”

“True, but would you rather her worry about you more than she already has to?”

“No.”

“It only makes sense that she will if you endanger yourself  _ more. _ ”

“..Fine. But as  _ soon  _ as I get my essence back, I’m going back to work.”

“As long as you eat regularly. And take  _ some  _ breaks.”

_ As long as you feed us regularly  _ George flicked his tongue out.

“I will. To both of those things.”

“Then I don't see much of an issue with it."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.shugarysweets.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/butterscotch-blondies-1-600x900.jpg the closest image to what I think the ambrosia looked like.

**Author's Note:**

> Please review!


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